


Warm

by MagpiePair



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Choi San-centric, Gen, Guilt, Homesickness, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, San POV, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:22:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27179858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagpiePair/pseuds/MagpiePair
Summary: San is feeling sad and sensitive because he is homesick, so he seeks out cuddles from the other members. His tired teammates don’t respond in the best way.Cue San retreating from them and the others noticing and trying to make up for pushing him away.
Relationships: Choi Jongho & Choi San, Choi San & Everyone, Choi San & Jeong Yunho, Choi San & Jung Wooyoung, Choi San & Kang Yeosang, Choi San & Kim Hongjoong, Choi San & Park Seonghwa, Choi San & Song Mingi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 175





	Warm

San supposes he should have known better than to bother the others. They’re all at their wit’s end at the moment. They’ve been so busy the past few weeks that tired and stress doesn’t begin to cover how the members feel. Exhaustion hangs on them like a second skin. 

It’s just that San has been feeling particularly homesick lately, and more than a little lonely. In the bustle of idol life and all their performances and schedules as of late, he finds himself longing to curl up in the room he grew up in, dozing off to the white noise of the muffled television the next room over, or to the footsteps of his grandma puttering about the first floor hallway. Most of all, he longs for the easy way he could walk up behind her and drape his arms over her shoulders. The simple, warm touch could energize him for the rest of the day. 

Which is perhaps why his skin buzzes with the lack of contact now. He simply wants to feel the weight of someone beside him, even if it isn’t his grandparents, even if it’s his members. After all, even though he has spent all his time with the others lately, it hasn’t felt like their time- they’ve been on camera the entire time, dancing and singing and playing games, but it hasn’t just been them. They haven’t been able to casually be themselves, talking about which ice cream flavor they would be according to a Buzzfeed quiz just because, or rolling over onto one another’s backs when lazing about on the bed whenever they want to. San misses that. 

So he goes to seek out some affectionate touches and some lighthearted words, hoping they will in turn raise his spirits. 

\--

“I’ve really gotta get this done, San.”

San feels himself deflate at Hongjoong’s words, disappointment clouding over him at the simple phrase. 

“Of course, Joongie-hyung.” He disentangles his arms from around the other’s shoulders and slips out of the room without another look from his preoccupied leader hunched over his journal.

\--

Seonghwa is methodically cleaning the kitchen, running a washcloth over the counter, table, and any other surfaces within reach. San instantly feels like he is intruding and wishes to turn back the way he came, but something stops him.

Maybe it is the sight of the elder bent over cleaning after the mess of all of them. San feels incredibly childish all at once for thinking of interrupting him. And for what? Because he wants to cuddle? Shame and guilt wash over him, and he even finds himself asking meekly, “Do you need any help?”

Seonghwa looks over at him in equal parts confusion and concern. San supposes it isn’t very much like him to /volunteer/ to clean anything, and San knows the quietness with which he had spoken was similarly uncharacteristic. But in the mood he is in, he just returns Seonghwa’s incredulous stare. Even if he can’t get his hugs in, he finds himself itching just to be by the other’s side, to spend some time together in a non-structured way. 

“I’m fine here, San. You should go rest.” His tone is both gentle and dismissive, and San thinks, /oh. Okay./ He’s not going to push it because, for whatever stupid, childish reason, he thinks if he speaks again, he might get choked up. 

He nods and leaves the kitchen.

\--

San’s next attempts go much the same way. Yeosang and Jongho are gaming, both boys entirely too hyper considering the past few weeks, and way too wild to settle down in San’s embrace. Yunho is out doing god-knows-what, and Mingi is catching up on some sorely-needed sleep.

Wooyoung sits just across the room from him, peering up at San from his phone screen through lidded eyes. There is nothing overly uninviting or unwelcoming in Woo’s gaze, but San doesn’t find the heart to voice his melancholy or throw himself on the other. 

Perhaps he is overly sensitive in his current mood or in the sense that has pervaded him throughout the night- this feeling like he is a jagged piece out of place invading his members’ solitude. This time to themselves is both well-earned and long-deserved, but San feels like a stray piece floating around encroaching on that time. So San finds he doesn’t want to burden his best friend the way he always does, and he stays across the room, watching Wooyoung from a distance. He’ll just have to remain unsatisfied. 

Maybe he’ll try again tomorrow. Or maybe he’ll be out of this weird, clingy mood by then. 

\--

The ache is sharper than ever the following morning. When he awakens to a cloud of wrongness over him, only strengthening as he stretches and stands, he doesn’t try to fight it off through shame anymore.

So he hangs over Yunho when he brushes his teeth. He then leans against Jongho at the table while they eat breakfast, despite the maknae’s sleepy protests.

“You know we have to be ready to leave in, like-” Hongjoong checks his watch, “20 minutes?”

San nods, but he does not extricate himself from his newfound location snuggling into Mingi’s side on the couch. He knows he might be going a little overboard, but now that he has gotten a taste, he finds he can’t stop. He craves the closeness with each of his members. He closes his eyes and breathes in Mingi’s scent contentedly. Why had he even tried to deny himself this yesterday? Their touches are so healing, cuddling them as much a part of his recharge-and-recovery routine as long showers are for Seonghwa. He should have known he couldn’t stay away for long.

The mood doesn’t leave San even through their schedules for the day.

“Seriously, San??” Yeosang levels him with a stare when he plops none too lightly onto the couch cushion next to him in their dressing room. The older had had his eyes closed when San bounded over, and San fully intended to approach quietly and snake his arms gently around Yeosang so as to not disturb the other’s rest. That plan hadn’t quite worked out when he saw how fluffy Yeosang’s freshly-styled hair looked and felt excitement at the thought of settling in beside him and leaning his head against Yeosang’s.

But Yeosang seems to be taking on a genuinely annoyed tone. At that, San pouts out his lip and mutters, “Fine...” He stands, feeling thoroughly rebuked. However, they have all finished getting ready with the stylist noonas, and San finds they have some time before they have to be on stage. He opens and closes his fist at the cold and empty feeling overtaking his body, and he scans the room for his next target.

His eyes land on Wooyoung. An instant, relieved smile overtakes him. Just the sight of his best friend steps away from him calms him. Wooyoung had been the one he most wanted affection from yesterday, and Woo would never push him away. San hums a little as he comes to Wooyoung’s side.

He stops in his tracks however, his partial skip halting and freezing in place, just a few feet away. Because Wooyoung’s gaze has snapped toward San, and in a tone of voice entirely unlike him, he says, “Not now, San, okay?”

Oh. Maybe San had underestimated how stressed out they’ve all been lately if he hadn’t seen any signs of this in Wooyoung’s demeanor. He hadn’t /seen/ any pinching of his best friend’s eyebrows or tell-tale sighing from when he is exhausted, but San had been rather preoccupied with his own problems.

Or... maybe Wooyoung had been doing fine before, and San really was just that annoying? San feels a lump in his throat at the thought that assaults him all at once and won’t fade.

His eyes sweep over the rest of the room, looking to see if there is a sympathetic eye looking open to some loving... or if he’ll meet more of the same rejection. The lump gets larger when he finds it to be the latter.

“Sannie, maybe just take it down a notch?” Mingi folds his arms, his entire body language closed off. 

San throws a semi-desperate look to his frequent cuddle buddy, Yunho, but the taller isn’t meeting his gaze either. 

“We’re too busy for you to be like this...” Jongho mutters under his breath. San thinks he hears Seonghwa tersely snap back something about respecting his hyungs, but he hears no other protests against his words. No one contradicts him or defends San.

San can practically feel how his body folds in on himself, making every attempt to become smaller, to take up less space. 

Over the tense atmosphere, Hongjoong suddenly calls, “We’re up in 5, guys.” 

San shoves it down. /No, deeper,/ he tells himself, as his feelings bubble back up to the surface. They’re nearly on. It’s time to be professional. It’s time to be an idol, even if he feels like an unwanted kid right now begging for his brothers’ attention.

He had the right idea the night before. They’re all overworked and don’t need to be dealing with San right now. They put up with him enough already. So however much it hurts, he has to stop this. He’s been selfish for too long, gone too far. 

He follows meekly behind them as they are called on stage, a new resolve in his mind and a sinking feeling in his heart. 

\--

When they return, San immediately makes for his room, closing the door behind him. The room is dark and quiet, and it is just what San needs right now. If there’s no one around, he won’t have to keep himself from snuggling anyone. He’ll just clutch Shiber and some other pillows or something. He also won’t have to deal with any more judgmental stares.

He burrows under his blankets and tells himself this will pass.

…

“-still hasn’t come out?”

San stirs to the sound of talking by his door. He recognizes Hongjoong’s voice, sounding upset when he responds, “No… Do you think he’s still feeling down from earlier?”

“We were kind of harsh with him, don’t you think?” That one is Seonghwa.

San bites his lip. Now he has the group’s resident ‘mom and dad’ concerned for him because he was being a clingy brat. He waits until he hears the conversation die out and the footsteps fade away before daring to leave the bed.

He sneaks into the living room where the rest of the members are seated watching some anime San doesn’t remember the name of. He sees a little bit of room still remaining on the center couch next to Wooyoung, but he settles down onto the floor, careful not to touch any of their legs.

“Did you rest well, Sannie?” Yeosang’s voice is hesitant, somehow, as he turns to him and leans in. 

“Yeah…” San wraps his arms around his knees, curling up and creating some distance. His skin now tingles with the opposite feeling from earlier, prickling away from physical contact with the other. He worries of a repeat from earlier, that if he touches the others, he will be overbearing and a bother. That he will be forcing his skinship on them. 

He doesn’t know what expression must show on his face, but Yeosang looks like someone spit in his milk. Yeosang’s hand, which had been reaching out slightly in front of him- to do what, exactly?- redirects to run through his hair. 

“Sure everything’s alright, buddy?” Yunho whispers from by his side, resting his hand lightly on San’s thigh. San jolts and shivers under the touch, scooting away almost unconsciously. Yunho frowns.

“Of course!” He tries to inject some cheer into his voice as he throws a small smile his way. Yunho frowns deeper instead, his eyebrows furrowed as he looks San over. San feels way too naked and vulnerable, as if all his emotions show plainly on his face. He is too hurt and sad right now to be an open book. He looks back to the anime playing on the screen, attempting to focus on the story instead of letting his mind race a million miles an hour about the pervasive sense of wrong he feels being in his own body right now. A shameful feeling of being trapped in this body that continues to stubbornly long for hugs in order to feel alright. 

He thinks back on Yeosang’s question about being well-rested.. He huffs out a breath- he hadn’t slept well at all. His traitorous body still demanded cuddles, screaming that he wouldn’t be able to relax until he had arms around him. 

San shakes his head and looks back at the screen, ignoring the concerned glances of the others. He tries to clear his mind and enjoy the moment. Tries.

He doesn’t succeed.

\--

The rest of the day and following morning only see San retreating further into himself. He doesn’t try to cuddle. Even when he sees other members piling onto each other, and it looks safe, warm, comfortable to allow himself to join… he doesn’t. 

The others seem to notice how distant he is, how far away he stands. Mingi breaks out of a hug with Jongho to sidle up by San’s side. “Hey, we’ve been missing you!”

“What do you mean?” San chuckles. “I’m right here.”

“You know what we mean. Come over here,” Mingi playfully commands while grabbing San’s wrist. San finds himself pulled over to where Mingi and Jongho have settled on a bean bag. Jongho is playing some game on his phone. 

He feels anxious as he falls against Jongho’s side, Mingi pressing up against his other side moments later. It’s okay to enjoy this, right? Mingi had initiated it, after all. Jongho had sort of just got swept into it like San himself, but he hasn’t said any words of complaint. He unconsciously relaxes a little bit, the ball of tension within him loosening slightly. The simple touch grounds him. 

Wooyoung walks in and sees the trio. He squares his shoulders and grunts, “What are you all doing without me?” He trots over at an increasingly quick pace before flopping onto them with his full weight. 

“Oof!” Mingi cries out.

Wooyoung’s breath is in San’s ear as he smiles widely. “It’s good to see you, Sannie.” 

San feels his eyes widen and his smile drop in discomfort. He wants to take Wooyoung’s words at face value, but his mind is still trapped back to cold eyes and words from the day before. 

Wooyoung must sense his poorly hidden unease. His smile fades, and he runs his hand through San’s hair. “Am I the reason you’ve been so distant lately? That’s it, right? I’m really sorry for how I acted the other day. It wasn’t cool, and I hurt you. And the stupid thing is it wasn’t even about you at all- I, I was just feeling tired and insecure, and it was easy to take out my annoyance on you-”

“I’m sorry, too,” Jongho adds. Mingi nods after him, nuzzling his head against San’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said those things.”

San sniffles a little. /Oh no/. “I- I thought you guys were done putting up with me.”

They all gasp, Wooyoung’s face showing heartbreak while the other two show pain. Woo presses impossibly closer, his touch comforting San as he responds, “No, no, baby, we’ll never, /ever/ be done with you.”

“And we are not /putting up/ with you, we love you!” Another voice calls from the doorway. Hongjoong stands there. He lets his words seep in for a moment before he crosses the threshold over to them. When he does, San sees Seonghwa file in behind their short leader. Seonghwa follows his trajectory toward the bean bag, and he lightly pushes aside the others to free up San’s arms. He grabs San’s hands and meets his eyes so lovingly that San tears up again.

The bean bag is definitely not large enough for all of them, but they don’t seem to mind as they lie on top of each other and crush San. No one seems keen on moving, and when Yeosang and Yunho come to the room a while later, they ask no questions before joining the cuddle pile.

Later, when San feels a sense of content and relaxation surrounded by their affection, he quietly shares how he has been feeling recently. He talks about his grandparents and his childhood room, and how his body has felt wrong lately without skinship, how hugs fight off the cold and empty feeling. They cuddle him even closer and advise him to call home. 

He does so, the warm voices on the other end of the line bringing San a sense of peace matched by the warm touches and quiet mutterings of his members who have yet to leave his side. 

He resolves to share more, to tell the others when he is feeling like this again. Even if he feels like a burden, they won’t let him feel that way for long. He is one of them. They value him and his needs, and they are there for him. 

San won’t forget that again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for clicking and reading!


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